Monday, June 2, 2008
i think i am generally pretty posi, love life, affirm my interest in a state of being perpetually stoked. but, lately, the idea of time has started to really weigh on me. i am probably going to be alive for a while and that means making choices about how to fill my time -and there is alot of it to fill. ordinarily, that is something i do without thinking. i keep busy and rarely feel bored. if nothing else, i am pretty satisfied with my internal dialogue and personal jokes to feel okay about doing things i don't even really like that much because i always like making fun of things more than i dislike whatever i am forced to make fun of. but, my eternal flame of a pma is straining right now. i am just sort of at a loss with what to do. it's funny because it's a general fact. the thing is i have no idea what i will be doing at all after the next three weeks. i could literally fill my time with anything. i have zero plans and unlimited choices, which in a certain way makes making any decision harder. strangely, my new indecisiveness is also manifesting in my inability to do small things like decide what to eat, to read anything for more than a few pages at a time, or do anything besides lay in bed. this uneasiness is a normal part of any major transition i guess. but, it is sort of disappointing to be going through such a cliche crisis as i am about to graduate.
is it really so scary to be in the world?
i guess i have a pretty long lineage of people trying to turn dreams into reality.